From A to Z or the chronicles of his school years.

Momentus occasion, another milestone, another scare at the passing of time

My one and only, pride and joy, utter frustration had his last ever day at school yesterday......huge. His school years are over and now it is off to University next year. While he still has his final exams to sit school is officially over for the seniors

I remember his first day at school, I shed a tear, he didnt. By the end of the first week I wasnt even allowed to get out of the car when I dropped him off let alone escort him to class. Mr Independent from day 1

His first year teacher dispaired of him, telling me she couldnt understand how he thought, there were things like when they had to line up to walk into class he would be in line but two paces to the left of the line instead of directly behind the person in front. As far as he was concerned he was in line standing straight and smart. He used to finish his work before the others so he would do their work for them so they would all get finished and the teacher could move on to the next thing, in his mind there was nothing wrong with helping others so they could all move forward.

He topped the school in his primary years, All Excellence Award his prize, dux of the primary school. He loved school and worked hard but always maintained a slightly left field sense of humour that was not always understood. I remember he had to do a newspaper article one year so him and his mate took a photo of Ben and photoshopped Bin Ladens beard and turban onto Ben's image and did a piece about Ben Laden bribing politicians. In my mind it showed these 10 year olds were aware of world happenings and the article had humour in it, to some it was totally inappropriate.

I remember at 12 he had long hair and his teacher told him that the school rules said if the hair was below the collar it had to be tied up, thinking Ben would get a haircut. Ben came home and asked me for some hair ties and put his hair in a ponytail for school each day.

In his last year of intermediate school we moved to Beachlands and to a new school a third of the way through the year. The seniors did a big end of year production and Ben was determined to get a part in it. For the audition they had to sing or recite something. Ben wrote all the words to Cat Stevens-Father and Son and sang it over and over to the CD until he had it right for the audition. Everyone else sang the national anthem or a nursery song. He got the lead role and had 3 solos and 2 duets to sing. I have the CD of that show and I have to say I sat in the audience that night holding back the tears as my heart burst with pride. Not so much when the picture arrived in the letter box from a teacher of Ben during a school field trip where they had to take a packed lunch. My son took a can of fruit salad and a can opener for lunch. (at least he thought long enough to take a can opener was my first thought, that and it was fruit in natural juice not in syrup)

High School started, my words of advice were "Ben, it is time to be noticed for your achievements not your clowning around now. Keep your head down and work hard, dont mark yourself as the class clown"

2 months in there was the school sports day and he arrived home to tell me he had spent the day in fairy wings and a tiara, but had redeemed himself by winning the 100 metre sprint but only because he was wearing his lucky fairy wings and tiara at the time. This time the photo arrived from his teacher via email.

And so on through his high school years, wearing a dress for Shakespear day, singing Dora the Explorer to his math teacher Ms Dormer. Getting a 2 week bus ban for punching a kid in the face because this kid was hassling someone on the bus and when Ben stuck up and said leave him alone the other kid spat in Ben's face, Ben lashed out. I didnt condone it but I understood it. His teachers stood by him saying it was not in his nature to be violent and he was provoked. Telling a young single graduate teacher that 'he' was her happy place when she was stressed and saying she was going to her happy place during class one day. Making the first XI football team and vice captain, then being made captain the following year. This his final year, always in trouble for not shaving being threatened with being stood down if he didnt shave, not turning up to school until lunchtime once he got his car (Sorry Miss I was busy sleeping). The fights and arguments trying to get him to study and watching his grades fall way below where they should be for one so bright. He has been ready to leave school for a while now, it has been a struggle to keep him there this last year. If he had applied himself he would get good marks, all I can hope for now is that he passes with enough marks to get into one of the Universities that is holding a place for him.

His last day was full of antics and high jinks but none of it harmful or destructive to property or person. He got kicked out of school four times on his last day the final one he was accused of was one he hadnt been involved in (water bombs) but by then I think the teachers were asking all the seniors to just go home.

The best story so far I think is watching the teachers bend down to try and pick up the 20 cent coin he glued to the pavement right outside the main office doors.

Ben your school years are ones you will look back on and remember as some of the best. I hope you never loose your sense of humour and your ability to make others laugh. Dont be a sheep son always dance to the beat of your own drum.

It's been a while, lets sit and talk some time away.

It's been some time since I last wrote and it is not because nothing has been going on, in reality many things have happened in the last few months and at times I have started to write but then I have decided not to hit the publish button. Sometimes I worry that I sound like a big old disaster area as all these things have happened to me over the past year and they seem at times so negative. I think of myself as a positive person but when someone commented about hiding the sharp knives from me the other week after having such a bad run of things lately it made me wonder how others perceive me. I write to get things out of my head sometimes and I value the comments that come back to me as they always cheer or give me a different viewpoint to consider. So I will write and while what you may read might make you think oh ffs this person is like a walking doom cloud, remember I dont write it that way, I am not down, I just share the reality of what happens. It's not all bad stuff I have a lot of really great stuff too. So here goes, but remember dont cry for me Argentina.

My one listed follower on this blog is my Aunty Sue, after a family issue when my dad died 26 years ago I never saw dads brother and his wife (sue) for 20 years although my sisters did. It transpired a few years ago that my younger sister , bless her heart, built a bridge and I was reunited with my all time fav uncle of my childhood and his wife. Sue and I became fast friends and emailed several times a day, I went on dates and she waited eagerly for updates and we giggled like schoolgirls over it even though she was 15 years my senior. Sue and Jim have been a huge part of my life in the last 4 years I saw them several times a week, went there for xmas and birthdays and dinners all the time. In June this year, My darling Aunty Sue was diagnosed with lung cancer, she had not smoked for over 25 years but there it was, it only took 3 months to consume her and she died in September. I miss her so very dearly but I am extremely happy I got the 4 years with her before this happened. It was thanks to Suzy in part that I went on the second and third date with Dynamo Guy, she told me even though he wasnt what I normally was attracted too to persist because he sounded like a nice guy. Thank you Sue, I am so glad I listened.

Ben my darling son, you frustrate the hell out of me, since your 18 birthday you have become a pain in the arse even if I love you beyond measure. 18 means you can be tried as an adult if you find yourself in court and that you can buy alcohol and go to bars, it does not mean you can stop using manners and treating others with courtesy and respect, that is a lifelong thing ok? Dont waste your life, make it count, it's ok to live in the here and now but always have the future in mind and pay heed to where you want that future to take you and what you need to do to make it happen. Your life is yours, dont burn bridges, treat people with respect, be aware of your shortcomings and work to make them not so short. Dreams dont just happen, work to make them happen for you.

And to the now...... I was made redundant again, well almost I resigned before it happened because I have found a new job. Earlier this year it gutted me to be made redundant but I was lucky enough to land on my feet with not only 3 months salary payout but a job to walk into a week later. It was a casual contract, but with the hope something permanent would come along, there were plans....they never worked out. The training institute I have been working at has undergone a major restructure and my job was in jeopardy, so I started looking. I wanted something close to home again, for me this means 30 min drive because I am a fringe dweller, outer fringes. I decided to step back from the corporate world and go low key again, drop in salary but more than my casual contract gave me. I have now a job as an office manager for an engineering firm 30 mins from home. Its a smaller company owned and operated by two directors from big engineering backgrounds who decided to get together and have their own business. Its building up steadily, the books show either level or increase in business during the last 5 years, a good sign in a recession. It seems low key and varied and busy, my kind of space. I start on November 7 which is really good because I have damaged my lower back and the Dr has put me off work for 2 weeks with instructions to either lay flat, or stand with some walking. I am not to sit or drive or lift or carry or bend or stretch or do anything much for two weeks.....bored already on day 3. Of course this means no money coming in for at least 2 weeks but I have my stash from my payout which will keep me covered for now. My new job I get paid monthly which kinda sucks cause I am used to fortnightly but I can adjust. If nothing else I am an adjustable doll. Just like Barbie with bendable arms and legs only without the hourglass figure and disproportionate legs.

And lastly on September 1 a year ago I met Dynamo Guy for a coffee for the first time. So it has now been over a year and he is still around, some kinda record for me. He has been my rock and my anchor and the oil on stormy waters. He is one of the best. I hope he sticks around cause I like the way things are and the fun we have together. Its not been easy the last few months and he has had to do a bit of propping up emotionally but he has done it superbly and now its onwards and upwards into a bright new day.

So ends my mini novel of doom and gloom.

Now I am going to rise slowly from my supine position and go in search of cheese and crackers. :)

Help! Significant Teenage Birthday Looming.........

I have a small issue.

Next week is my son's 18th birthday (omg 18??? where the hell did that go?)

Yes it shocks me when I look at him and think he is turning 18 next week. Sometimes I long to go back to his younger preteen days when he was this happy, chatty, chirpy, full of life, no stopping me kid. I am not really coping so well with the teenage angsting and sulleness and sulks and hatey parent attitude but aside from all that my problem is this...

What the hell do I get him for his birthday???

I have no idea! He never asks for anything and if I ask him what he would like he says he doesnt know and there is nothing he really needs or wants. Even when he was little he never used to say I want this or I want that for my birthday so he hasnt been easy to buy for at times. Over his teen years things like an MP3 player, media player, or low end cell phone have done the trick but for his 18th I feel it's gotta be something a bit special.

So please if anyone has any ideas or ask your partners/husbands or older sons what they think would be a good present for him.

No not a car please he has one already so does not need another and mothers budget wouldnt stretch to it anyway.

When your heart bleeds for your children.

Where I live in Beachlands, it's a small coastal community. Our kids all went to school together and know each other. They go to the same parties now they are teens and play in the same sports teams.

This past weekend there was a car accident out our way involving two 18 year old boys, one didnt survive. He wasnt wearing a seatbelt and for some inexplicable reason they didnt have their headlights on even though it was 12.30am at night. Playing silly buggars my dad would have said. The result of this and other factors I am sure that will come to light is that the car met a tree at speed not even 3 kms from home.

Watching your child grieve for a friend is a hard thing to do. My parents went through it when my best friend was hit by a car crossing the road on her way home from work when I was 16 and now I understand their helplessness.

Watching Ben swing from anger, to disbelief, to deep sadness and a collage of other emotions is hard, he lost his appetite, the boys all came together and just sat staring at the ground saying very little, they had nothing to say as they each struggled with coming to terms with it. Ben is so angry at his mates for being so dumb, and struggles to make sense of it all. He worries about the driver who is quite likely facing jail time because of the accident. I know this boy well, he was a regular at our home and one of the boys who always calls me Mum. He's a polite boy, quietly spoken, who always came and had a chat with me when he came to visit Ben, a good kid essentially, but one who has done something so incredibly silly and misguided in the teenagers belief of being invincible. He doesnt belong in jail I feel, but how do you make reparation for such as this?

I worry about Ben when he is out with mates, they have a sober driver system and they stick to it, hopefully they will continue to stick to it. I have told Ben that if ever he is out and the sober driver drinks, he is to ring me, no matter what the time is or where they are and I will come and pick them up and get them all home. It's the same thing my parents said to me as a teenager and I understand why they felt this way having a teenager of my own now.

It's true you dont sleep until they are home safely.

Two Headed Bitch Troll from Hell with Fish.

Ok so this was me on Saturday last. I dont know if it was PMS or what but I was a total cow and I would have left me standing on the side of the road outside the builders yard which was a 30 minute drive from my place. DG however did not, although I think he wondered what the hell had hit him at times during the day. I was short tempered and snappy and just a total troll.

I wanted to get things done and get home, I had borrowed a friends ute to pick some building stuff up and was concious I shouldnt be too long but I kept getting sidetracked either by me or DG but mostly me and then I got grumpy with me about it and he who was there had to weather the storm. It is not often I get like this but sometimes, I just want to chew the head of a bird and yell at everyone around me.

Also I dont like the way DG organised the fish tank however I bit my tongue and let him do it as I had been so mean and bossy and do it my way!!! all day I thought I should really let the poor bastard cop a break you know?

I had fish in a little tank in the kitchen but got a second hand tank off trademe, a NZ Auction site a bit like ebay. So Saturday we decided to get another couple of fish to keep the biggest one company. DG suggested it needed more plants as it was looking sparse after the relocation. So I got plants and driftwood and extra fish and then we went home and I sat quietly by while he tried to artistically landscape the new tank. I didnt like it and I thought about rearranging it after he left on Sunday night but decided not to be so petty and to learn to compromise after doing things my way for, oh the last 14 or so years.

So as you can see my inner bitch is still lurking dangerously close to the surface. Yes I am due and no I am not normally this much of a moo about it.

Sunday I played nice all day and made DG coffee and held bits of cupboard while he assembled. We sent the boys off to the local golf resort to play tennis and swim and work out at the gym so they werent bugging us by lying in Ben's room playing on the PS3 when they could be helping outside which would have most certainly made me get grumpy with Ben.

Nice me has gone on vacation it would seem and Poison Ivy me has taken up residence with barely concealed inner bitchiness struggling to surface.
I really dont like myself when I get like this and dont want to be friends with me somedays.

Doughies- Go Bettys Kitchen.

Ok today the recipe is not so much from the excesses of my garden, well not at all really.

Today I am going to share a recipe for doughies or fried bread. I know it sounds hideously gross and dripping with oil and fatness but it really isnt and makes for a yummy dessert.

This is dead easy to make and a great pudding. (Littlies love them to munch on)

I serve it with Golden Syrup and either icecream or whipped cream.

Doughies.
2 Cups Flour
2 Teaspoons Baking Powder
1/2 Teaspoon of salt.
Warm water. (Add 1/2 a cup to start. If you make it too soft just add a handful of flour to bind it again)

Mix the flour , baking powder and salt with enough warm water to make a soft dough. Knead lightly and then let sit for about 30 mins.

In a medium saucepan place about 2 inches of vegetable oil or rice bran oil.
Heat until a small piece or ordinary bread dropped into the oils starts browning.

Cut off 1 inch bits of the dough and flatten with fingers to about 1 cm disk.
Place into the hot oil and cook turning when light golden colour. (They will puff up)

Remove when cooked and place on draining paper.

When cooked place into dessert plates drizzle over golden Syrup and spoon on whipped cream or icecream.
Alternatively have syrup and cream in separate dishes and let people dip their doughies into each before popping into le bouche.

These are almost like a doughnut type of thing so you can do the sugar and cinnamon or whatever type of finishing you would like.

Cooks Note:
I am going to try making these and putting a dollop of jam into the flattened disk and folding it over and pinching together and cooking so they hopefully have a jammy filling in the middle. (Lemon Honey might be a bit nice in the middle too)

Enjoy and once again let me know if you try the recipes I post and what you think.

For Crying Down the Kitchen Sink, from Go-Betty's Garden.

I have decided to add something into my blog. I have a rather large vegetable garden 7.5 metres by 2.5 metres and harvest from it all year round. As this provides rather more than two sometimes 4 require I either give away the excess, bottle it, pickle it, or jam it or swap it with someone for something I havent grown. When boredom of a particular vegetable sets in I go hunting for something interesting and different to do with it.

I have decided to share some of my recipes with anyone who reads this blog. I am not an accomplished cook by any means, in fact I am considered the worst cook in my family just ask the sisters, they laugh at my cooking.

Anyway this means the recipes are not going to be gourmet, they will be easy, quick and hopefully interesting.

Todays Recipes are dedicated to Keanie Beanie and her man and his pechant for growing the gorgeous courgette.

Zucchini Chocolate Brownie which is rather too yummy and never last more than a day at home, and a yummy easy Courgette Lasagne Bake that is oh so tasty and simple to make.

Ok so you are over run with courgettes/Zucchini's or you let a couple of them get too big. Easy turn them into something like these. (If they got too big chop out the part with the seeds though cause they can be tough)

Zucchini Chocolate Brownie
(I don’t use the walnuts, Ben doesn’t like it with nuts. I also mix it all in the kitchen whizz, it’s quick and easy and very moist)
Ingredients
1/2 cup vegetable oil
1 1/2 cups fine (castor) white sugar
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
2 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
2 ½ cups shredded zucchini
1/2 cup chopped walnuts (Optional)

6 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder
1/4 cup margarine
2 cups confectioners' sugar
1/4 cup milk
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
Directions
1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Grease and flour a 9x13 inch baking pan.
2. In a large bowl, mix together the oil, sugar and 2 teaspoons vanilla until well blended. Combine the flour, 1/2 cup cocoa, baking soda and salt; stir into the sugar mixture. Fold in the zucchini and walnuts. Spread evenly into the prepared pan.
3. Bake for 25 to 30 minutes in the preheated oven, until brownies spring back when gently touched. To make the frosting, melt together the 6 tablespoons of cocoa and margarine; set aside to cool. In a medium bowl, blend together the confectioners' sugar, milk and 1/2 teaspoon vanilla. Stir in the cocoa mixture. Spread over cooled brownies before cutting into squares.

Try this warm with Vanilla Ice Cream....then add 20 mins to your exercise regime lol.

Creamy Courgette Lasagne.

(Even Ben who hates courgettes went back for seconds with this one)

Ingredients
· 9 dried lasagne sheets ( I use fresh Lasagne sheets)
· 1 tbsp sunflower oil
· 1 onion , finely chopped
· 700g courgettes (about 6), coarsely grated
· 2 garlic cloves , crushed
· 250g tub ricotta
· 50g cheddar
· 350g jar tomato sauce for pasta

Heat oven to 220C/fan 200C/gas 7. Put a pan of water on to boil, then cook the lasagne sheets for about 5 mins until softened, but not cooked through. Rinse in cold water, then drizzle with a little oil to stop them sticking together.
Meanwhile, heat the oil in a large frying pan, then fry the onion. After 3 mins, add the courgettes and garlic and continue to fry until the courgette has softened and turned bright green. Stir in 2/3 of both the ricotta and the cheddar, then season to taste. Heat the tomato sauce in the microwave for 2 mins on High until hot.
In a large baking dish, layer up the lasagne, starting with half the courgette mix, then pasta, then tomato sauce. Repeat, top with blobs of the remaining ricotta, then scatter with the rest of the cheddar. Bake on the top shelf for about 10 mins until the pasta is tender and the cheese is golden.

Ok so that's it for todays recipes.

Please try them and let me know how you get on.

Random bits of nothing much.

I have been swimming, yes it is winter over here but I joined a sports complex that has an indoor pool, gym, sauna, indoor tennis and squash courts. I love the water you see and find it incredibly therapeutic and relaxing, and its exercise I enjoy so I keep going back for more. I am currently swimming just under 1km a night.
One good thing is Benny joined with me and comes down in the evenings and swims with me and uses the gym as well. It's kinda nice my nearly 18yr old actually likes to hang out with me in the pool and talk about his day and whats going on in Ben's world. One special thing he shared that made me quietly proud of him was that he and his best mate Cam are going to help out at an after school programme for special needs kids on a friday afternoon.
Good on them I say, the kids will enjoy the older boys and its not many 17 year olds would give up friday afternoon to do something like this. Once more through these tumultous, terrifying teenager monstor years I am reminded that inside that little monster beats a good heart.

The pic is of my window in my office at work. My plants make a cheerful mid winter display I thought. My visitors seat is right beside a large window that the sunlight streams through when its out and I have been told its nice to sit there in the sun for a few minutes and listen to my radio. I would charge but what price a little peace and happiness in a rough day? It's nice they enjoy the ambience of my office lol. I am enjoying myself in my job its so nice to enjoy getting up and coming to work for a change.

The tree pic is the Ginko Tree outside my office window, all turned golden yellow and glowing. I took this pic two weeks ago so now the tree is a forlorn looking naked branchy thing now. Not nearly as appealing.

Dynamo Guy and I are going to Australia for a week in August for a bit of a break which will be very nice and I am looking forward to it and not being tempted by any of the sales over here so I have some spending money to take with me. I am hoping to catch up with some old friends from my childhood while over there so am really looking forward to that too.

And lastly I am going to start blogging some of my fav recipes as I harvest from my large vege garden over winter. They arent flash gourmet meals but more working mum quick, easy, tasy recipes with a few pickling and bottling and jamming recipes thrown in when I need to use the excess. So watch out for my first recipe .....a yummy moist chocolate zucchinni brownie....dangerously yummo!

Messing with Macros

http://www.blogger.com/%3Ca

I dont know if the button will work but here is my Macro shot.

Just snapped while trialling the work camera before my boss takes it to a conference this week.

The Orange flower is the Kanlankoe plant and the white one is a Cyclamen, They sit on my office windowsill.

Crisp and Crunchy Autumn and the Beauty of Youth.

I love Autumn, even though it is getting colder I love the fresh brisk mornings when the air smells clean and the dew is heavy on the lawn. This morning there was an amazing sunrise. Ok I know red in the morning is a shepherds warning so it means rain is on the way but it was gorgeous, the whole sky was this glorious mash up of orange and red and pink and bruisey purple. I stood on my back deck with my cup of tea and breathed in the cool fresh morning air and it made me feel so good and alive and grateful. I love the colours of autumn and this morning they seemed to be especially vivid the green grass was ludicrisly green and the colours coming through on the trees seemed to almost glow. Natures last big display before it rests for a while and sleeps.

On my drive home there is a spot where liquid ambers (trees) line both sides of the road and at the moment they are all colours of amber, red, rust and yellow. Every autumn I say to myself I must stop the car and take a picture of these trees because they are something I look forward to seeing on my drive home after work before it gets too dark. They are surrounded by paddocks and hills and they are a special spot that never fails to delight, even in spring when they sprout with all kinds of lime green of new spring growth. This year I might just take that photo.

In my new job I have my own office and I look out onto a grassy area of the faculty and there is a lovely big gingko tree with its fan shaped leaves just outside the window. It's kinda a nice view I think. I even like it at recess when the students are out lounging on the grass talking and throwing or kicking a ball around. It doesnt interupt the view it adds to it. Watching them laughing, talking, holding hands and enjoying their lives before the grind of the realities of adulthood set in makes me smile, they really havent a care in the world except their next assignment or exam and their friends.

Anyway above is a picture from my office window you can see the tree and the grassy knoll as I call it and the business faculty building. Every morning I come in and open my old window (the building is over 100 years old) and let the fresh morning air in for a while. We are not supposed to have windows open as they have started the boilers up to heat the classrooms and offices around campus but I hate stuffy rooms and I love fresh air so until I get growled at by faculty maintenance I will sneak a few hours of fresh autumn air while I can because soon enough the rain will be here and it will be too cold and wet to open windows and the view will change yet again. We dont get snow here in Auckland but I wish we did, imagine that view capped with snow, it would be so pretty. The only snow I see is the man made stuff when I go to the indoor skiiing and boarding place.

Anyway as you can probably tell I am in a great place right now and I really do appreciate what I have and that I am here to enjoy it, and that I have people to share it with.

Happy Autumn to all in the southern hemisphere and to the northerners happy spring time.

The Bright Side.

On the upside of life of which I seem to be right now, about bloody time too I feel, things are moving in a good direction. The carpet went down a couple of weeks ago but I was wallowing too much to enjoy it overly much at the time whereas now I enjoy walking on that ever so spongy soft warm stuff every night when I get home. The dogs love it so much they dont sleep in their beds they drag their blankets out onto the floor and sleep there.

The weather has turned disgusting, its wet and cold and although people told me that new carpet would make a difference to the warmth of my house I didnt think it would be so marked. Loving it!

The teenager who lives in my house is being sort of reasonable right now which is always pleasant.

Seriously anyone who has kids or teens should get the Nigel Latta books about raising kids and teens, amazingly insightful in the most hilariously funny way. I now understand my teen is just like mad uncle jack and that he's really literally not right in the head and that he has a half formed walnut type of brain. Even if you dont have kids get them and read them if only to make yourself laugh.

Osama Bin Laden is dead. You took my David so you deserved to die but I will not acknowledge your life by celebrating your death you were the worst of pond scum.

I have been offered a job as assistant to the Academic Director at the Institute where I am working, more money , more stability job wise, all good.

Still blissfully happy with the Dynamo Guy who is still being the best boyfriend ever. Whats that? Nearly 8 months already. Shesh time flies.

It seems the swing is coming around to the positive side of life again thankfully.

Without Dark there is no Light.

Life's ups and downs

Hopefully I will do a better job of staying on this side for a while yet.

Free to good, kind, tolerant, understanding home...

One 17.5 year old teenager
Male,
Unable to be housetrained
Lazy
Rude
Obnoxious
Disrespectful
Potty mouthed

Is physically fit and active but only when activity involves Football or Girls.
Unfortunately this particular edition lacks some of the better qualities that others editions seem to have.
I have no manual or operating instructions and have never been able to get this particular item to function satisfactorily hence the give away.

Comes with 3x5packs of 2 minute noodle snacks.

Is there a meaning to all this, what is the purpose?

I have struggled for the last couple of weeks, struggled to understand why things happen to the people they happen to. On tuesday the week before last a friend went out with a mate on an early, 5.30 am morning cycle ride. Less than 2 km from home he hit a rock lying on the road that in the just pre dawn light he didnt see. It threw him off his bike onto his head and he died almost but not quite instantly. He was 48, married with 3 teenage daughters whom he totally utterly adored and lived for. One of the best guys I have ever had the privilidge to know.
I have struggled with Tony's death, I have ranted and raved at the universe when there are so many other people that are a total waste of space why does a guy who loves his family, lives a simple life, loves the simple things and is loved by everyone, why was it his turn? What sense is there in that?

My son is 17, he has an 8 year old half brother whom he sees when he visits his dad every second weekend and in the holidays. Although there is an age gap Ben is very protective of his little brother.
Little brother's Mum doesnt live with the dad (my ex-husband) anymore, hasnt done for a number of years but the boys spend time together with their dad regularly and Ben has always got on ok with little brothers Mum. Ben is with this dad this week and little brother is there too. They took little brother home to his mum yesterday and now comes the sucky part......little brothers Mum has terminal cancer, her pancreas and spine, and at 47 has been told she has 12 months max. She is a single mum with an 8 year old boy. Where is the sense in that? What purpose is leaving that little 8 year old boy without a Mummy going to serve?

And so I question reason and sense right now and wonder if there is a god or a higher power and if they are so benevolent why dont they interfere with our lives occasionally so that these things dont happen to the people they shouldnt happen to?
I know this sort of thing happens to people all over the world every day, I understand that, I understand terrible things happen to the least deserving of it at times and I bet they question the sense of it too.

Visited by the gods of twisted metal

It's Firkin Freezing today and some dickwipe smashed into my car. Seriously I walked out into the carpark after work on Monday and looked at my car parked halfway over the curb and thought to myself "Why is the front of my car up on the walkway, ffs surely I didnt park it like that this morning I would have felt it hit the curb as it went up surely. Shit, who is watching me walk to my car to see who the dickhead is who parked their car halfway over the footpath??" Anyway as I neared my car I saw a piece of paper fluttering behind the windsheild wiper. it read... " Please contact security, we have details on the person who hit your car" HIT MY CAR!!! I yell in my brain as I run to the back of my car to discover twisted craked and bent fender. Not happy me. Anyway all sorted and in the loving hands of the panel beater as I write and it was nice to be told by the witness who got the dickheads details that his car looked way worse than mine. On another completely random tangent... It's firkin freezing today, the sun is out but the southerly wind is blowing and freezing and I loath and detest being cold and I am very cold today, even my fingers and legs feel cold and I have trousers on. Its only 10.30 am and I have eaten most of my lunch because I was cold and wanted warmth although what warmth is to be had from a a marmite sandwich and a muesli bar I am not quite sure. Now I am sitting here freezing my tits off............Clunk!............Clunk! Yep there they go.

Apparently whiteware makes it official

DG arrived at my place the night before last, unusual in itself as we dont see each other during the week due to work/study/sport training etc, but anyway he rocks up with ingredients for dinner,a bottle of wine and a clothes dryer. Yes you read it right, a clothes dryer.

I dont have a clothes dryer and last winter was hell in a handbasket trying to dry stuff as we had several months without a single fine day and I had clothes airers all over the house and the place did look a little like a chinese laundry to be honest. Ben and I were watching TV around the clothes airers and DG remembered this from our early conversations while he was still living in Australia last winter and last weekend was very rainy, all weekend, I didnt do any washing because I didnt want to be hanging laundry all over the house in front of him lol.

DG decided this wasnt good enough for me that I needed to be able to get my washing done without stressing about it getting dry and felt that part of his 'winterisation of my home' plan was to install a decent sized dryer for me. So he went out and bought me a clothes dryer and set it up for me. So I did a load of washing just to try the dryer out and while we were sitting there drinking the bottle of wine and watching the dryer going around and around and marvelling at its reverse spin to minimise tangling action, he commented on the symbolism of whiteware purchasing and mused out loud if this made it official, us being boyfriend and girlfriend. I said I thought it kinda symbolised a bit more than just BF and GF to which he grinned at me and topped up my glass and planted a smooch.

I havent stopped smiling since.

Kankles are encased.

Anyone who knows me knows I envy those who can wear boots above the ankles. I cant or rather have never found any I could get done up past my solid hefty ankles, even when slimmer my calves created a problem and so have never owned a pair of lovely up to the knee boots and have hated people who have gorgeous boots and strut about looking so trendy, hate you I say or rather hated that you can and I cant not hated you directly because I am sure you are all lovely people even if you do have enviable legs.

Last friday night I stopped at the mall on the way home, not something I do often as I hate shopping and crowds of people but I had the urge to look around and they had a sale on manchester and I needed some new sheets.

Anyway after buying my sheets I ventured further into the mall feeling brave and decided to go and have a look in a shop called City Chic, its for bigger girls and the stock mainly young peoples clothes but I occasionally buy a pair of work trousers or a top there that isnt too young.

I was trying on a pair of jeans and lamenting to the girl that they would look good tucked into a pair of knee length boots but alas I could never find any to find my huge legs. On which she smiled and said hey guess what?? we have just stocked 2 different styles of boot for larger legs......omg omg omg I nearly wet myself as I thought I might maybe be able to get into a pair. Anyway the sales assistant brought me both styles to try on and they FIT !!! I could zip them all the way up the side of my leg. They fit me!

Then I asked how much they were :-( ouch!!!!!

Very spendy, more spendy than I have ever spent on a single item other than furniture :-(

I tried on both styles several times, and tried them on with dresses and skirts and jeans and fell totally in love with a pair and tried so hard to not spend....but then I thought to myself.

I havent spent any of my redundancy money cause I need to save it, I have not wasted a single red cent. I have wanted and tried on so many pairs of boots over the years only to be so dissapointed when they didnt fit and although I could have paid a lot and got a pair made I have always thought no its too extravagant.

The more I tried them on the more excited I got and thought about how much wear I could get out of a pair of these boots. It's like I had the little red guy sitting on one shoulder and the little guy in white on the other, I was literally mentally arguing with myself over spending this amount of money on a pair of boots. I was all "you havent got a real job dont be so bloody stupid what are you 16??" and then I was " they are real leather not cheap imitation crap and they will last for years so spread the cost out over several years and it doesnt seem so extravagant and you will wear them lots and lots so they will be worth every penny"

The red guy won.

Then to ratify that it was a good choice I walked out of the shop and went into the supermarket to get some things and a guy walked past me and said " hey nice boots, they look great!" Now was that not telling me I had made the right choice?

Update and onwards, keep moving forward.

Ok neither of the job's I was looking at panned out. It wasnt meant to be I guess. I am happy enough working at the tertiary training institue where I am at the moment and they are making noises about me getting permanent work here. I could cope with that. Less money but a lot less stress and so far the people are great to work with. One in particular I have worked with before, I have known her since we were at highschool and we have not only worked together in the past but flatted together and travelled together so it seems as we joked over coffee/tea at lunchtime that we seem to be going the full circle. We also live around the corner from eachother so now we also carpool to work... funny old world really.

I am enjoying getting up an hour later as I dont have the travel I did and with winter closing in the extra snoozetime encased in the warmth of my bed appeals to me greatly, although I keep telling myself to use at least half of it to go walking.

Dynamo Guy said the 'L' word to me over the weekend, a never before uttered word in our relationship but it didnt scare me and the context was so casual and it was slipped in so sneakily that it took me by surprise. It wasnt an 'I love you" declaration, it was uttered during the course of a conversation about clogged drains of all things...........ok the story goes like this....DG was showering and as is his nature to clean he decided to take the gully trap out of the shower base and clean it as the shower didnt seem to be draining very quickly. It was full of long brown hair...ugh, yuck and gross...mine! He asked me to come and identify the species of creature he found in the shower drain and when I asked if it was my hair and should I be worried his reply was yes if it were him and he found this amount of hair lying around unattached to his head he would have serious concerns. I moult when stressed. Anyway at my exclaimation I was probably going bald he came up and put his arms around me and said sweetly

"It's alright babe I will still love you when you are bald " blah

charming no?

My reply was "well thats good cause I am not going to stick around to mash your food and change your old man diaper for you otherwise"

While it would take a lot for him to declared the L thing outright I get the feeling he is trying to let me know he does without actually saying it directly.

I feel secure and looked after and L'd so he doesnt need to say it outright because his actions scream it to me and it's good this way because it's not something I say easily either.

I am inherently suspicious of guys who say it all the time and especially when they expect the standard "I do too" reply. Reeks of insecurity to me.

PS DG has got hisself a new toy, he's been eyeing one up since Christmas time and now he has purchased the above beastie. Mine is the old red one which looks so OLD and SLOW next to his super duper fast quick lightening machine lol.

Impatience is not a good attribute.

So ok I am doing contract work for the local Polytechnic, which is good, not great pay but keeping things ticking over. The Scientific Research Company job, I was supposed to have the second interview meet and greet thing which was to meet the Chief Scientific Officer and company founder last Friday, well it was delayed and I have the interview tomorrow instead. The job sounds great but getting there is a problem, the ferry from home to the city is not a problem but then its a 2 km walk along the waterfront to Parnell and no buses or other public transport. In the fine weather this is not an issue, in the middle of winter with pouring rain and howling wind its not so enticing, so this is causing me some concern with the position.

On another note I attended another interview at a company that is only a 25 minute drive from home and they have called me back for a second interview with the CEO and COO this Friday.

So all in all things are happening and things are looking very promising but things are not happening very quickly. I used to be very laid back and calm about things but as I have aged this seems to have diminished. I will be better once I have full time permanent employment and know exactly where I stand and can restructure my budget. Geeky I know but I have to, being single and having a huge mortgage I need the security and to know that I can meet my payments etc and its about the only thing I am anal about is making sure the bills are paid.

No actually I am not single I have DG but we dont live together so I am single when it comes to paying the bills.

The grin, The grin is that of a Cheshire Feline

I am employed, possibly twice or two times or whatever.
MIT want me to do some work for them, its casual contract work but they are offering me this in the hope that they can give me something permanent once the departmental merger is complete, the twice is I went for an interview at a scientific research facility in the city on Monday and was waiting to hear back from them through the agency. Said Agency rang me yesterday and they want me in for a second interview this friday which is not so much an interview apparently but a 'Meet the Team' and the chief scientist guy.
Two jobs , two possibilities, well one is a certainty the other hinges on fridays interview. either way MIT want me to work for them as long as they can keep me. I dont feel so useless anymore me.
Although being made redundant shook the heck outta me and I was scared and worried and stressing (so much so I now have a cold sore on my lip blerk!) I get them when I am run down and stressed overly much. I decided the day after I finished work I wasnt going to let it beat me, I was going to hit it with uber positivity and make it work to my advantage and this is the attitude I took to interviews and so far it seems to work. People are saying to me I am handling it so well and while I have changed my attitude and am now, I wasnt before, it had dragged me right down to constant tearsville. In accordance with they way I try to think I talked myself out of the blues and into the summers eve, gentle breeze, good book place I like to be.
So now I go to the friday meeting with a blardy coldsore (or as I say a coleslaw) on my lip, out with the compeed patches and the lippy to hide it I guess lol. Either way if the science one doesnt pan out I still have the MIT one.

The science one means catching the ferry with a 2 km walk to the lab and back to the ferry again at the end of the day which, while it is fine will be nice but in winter could suck severely. Still the enforced walk exercise will tone up my gluteous maximuses and large tree trunk sized thighs and I could end up with legs that can wear boots again and a body that doesnt make me puke when I see it in a mirror and a hernia that is no more...............see I found the positive side again.

Unemployed

Ok so I was made redundantlast week. I left on wednesday, less than 8 hours after I found the letter on my desk saying there would be a meeting to discuss my now distablished position.
I told them I wasnt interested in a meeting for being given time to feed back on said meeting as having worked in HR before I know it is just following process and would have no effect on the outcome and I did not wish to work out my notice but wanted to be paid in lieu plus a few extras. I got all that I requested and packed up my desk that evening and left, suddenly, leaving a trail of unanswered questions from others. I wanted to cut ties and leave quickly and quietly, I couldnt continue to work there and remain professional in light of the way things were being done. I am not one for big farewells and grand speeches, especially when they come from false lips.
The morning after it all happened I woke up feeling like a huge weight had been lifted from me and I had slept properly for the first time in months. I might be the best thing and the opportunity I have been looking for.

So now I fling my CV far and wide and see what happens, I had an interview today with a scientific research facility that is working on methods to convert waste gases from industries into Bio-fuel, it was very interesting and innovative stuff and would like to see if things progress with that interview, it's cutting edge and would be an interesting and exciting thing to be part of.
Tomorrow I have an interview with the head of the excellence in learning and teaching facility at the local polytechnic as they have some work they want me to have a look at.

So I wait and do housework and washing and make tomatoe relish and pickles with all my garden vegetables and cook real meals for my son instead of quickfire 20min meals he normally gets. I dont get up at 6am every morning now and walk the dogs when I feel like it during the day. It wont last, it's temporary, I need to work, I have a mortgage the size of the grand canyon, however my negotiated severence pay has afforded me a little time to be able to look for something of substance rather than something to keep my head above water.

I am ok with it, I know things will work out and I feel a lot better than I have in months, the clouds arent so dark now.

DG (Dynamo Guy) and I spent a weekend together in Wellington before this happened, a little break away and while my mind was stewing and I was probably not the best company being so preoccupied, he was a model of patience and understanding and support and cuddles so I came back ready to face what was happening.
He gathers me. When my mind fragments and spins in all different directions and chaos of thought and panic set in, he is the logic to my madness and the stability to my quicksand that so often can drag me down. He gathers me.

Onwards and upwards. :-)

If you cant trust the ground you stand on, what can you trust?

Christchurch's death toll stands at 76 with 238 people still missing.
A beautiful city raized to the ground.
A country brought to its knees in grief.

I am truely stunned by the help offered and sent from places so far away as Britain, US, Japan, Taiwan, Canada, and of course our neighbours Australia.
600+ urban rescue and military personnel.
It is humbling to realise New Zealand is so highly thought of.

Thank you from the depths our our hearts.

Earthquake

www.stuff.co.nz

www.nzherald.co.nz

Onsite news of the earthquake. Terribly sad, devastating time for New Zealand.

Best way in the world to lose weight,

Is to lose your job!

When you get told by the HR manager to get your CV out there and then she reminds you that the company refused to put a redundancy clause in your employment contract, you pretty much know the writing is on the wall and so then you just sit and stew and wait for it to happen.

Thank god for riding around the coast on my bike, and groove in the grapes concerts (concerts in Vineyards) and dynamo guy who is determined to not let you sink into a pit of despair.

Stress, Health and mental stability

All these things are, in varying degrees, sitting at very precarious levels of should not be happening in me right now.

I am stressed, I stress over everything which is not normally like me. The teenager who lives in my house seems to have become a lazy, slobbish, swearing troll to me lately and this cause me some tense moments and then the valve releases and he gets blasted by the furnace that is my wrath. People keep saying he's a normal teenager that they all are like this but I'm sorry its not normal to sleep till 4pm and not do as you are asked and not do your chores, its wasnt normal to do this when I was a teen so how has it become normal now? Is it because we let them do these things and get away with this behaviour that it is now called normal? It's abnormal in my eyes and I will continue on the path of harping and nagging and getting 'angus' (angry) at him to get things done. Some say just let it go and dont worry about the small stuff, but if we stopped worrying about the small stuff then what? We would have a generation who just dont give a damn about keeping their surroundings tidy and clean and feeding their pets and being contributing members of the household and helping others out. They would be self centred, slobby, selfish wankers, is this what we want the next gen to be like? A bit melodramatic maybe? I dont know.
I stress about work constantly and the new CEO does not instill any confidence in me about my job remaining safe. I have a gut feeling he is going to go through the place slashing and many may fall victim to the corporate knife. I have applied for a couple of positions before he came on board but was knocked back for various reasons, change of job spec, over qualified, etc. It would seem I am in no mans land on the career front too.
I stress about my health, with a collegue being diagnosed with cancer in september and passing away in December last year who sat in my pod and was my age....it scares me. My dad was 46 when he died and my mum 54, I dont want to get sick and die young I want to live to see my grandkids and do stuff with the boyfriend and live to be an old lady. So what is the constant fear of dying young like my parents, its doom and gloom and I cant seem to shake it. I hate it.
Why am I tired an hour after I wake up in the morning? Why is everything an effort for me? Why am I getting insecure about the boyfriend when he just is so good to me? Why do I feel like I want to just sleep for a month? I want to wake up and feel bouncy again? I liked feeling bouncy and happy. I hate feeling lethargic and fat and sleepy and neurotic and stressed.

With all this toxic custard curning around inside me I have done something I have never done before. I am going to see a cousellor after work today to see if I cant sort this shit out in my head and start dealing with it. I need to do something I cant have another year like last year it would send me insane I think.

So now I am officially in therapy. No one other than those who read this post know this.

Post Script: The boyfriend is still lovely. He let me run away to his house in the weekend and he ran me a huge bubble bath and gave me wine and chocolate biscuits to eat and a book to read while I soaked myself in his huge spa bath and luxuriated on saturday night. He let me nana nap on his couch sunday afternoon while he watched the motorsport with the volume down. I'm a lucky girl having him around.

Proud Mum

In between the

Fishing.......

The Girls......
The Beach.....

and the parties.......

Ben actually went to school
And he worked hard

Congratulations on passing your NCEA Level 2 Bennyboy. One more year and it's off to University for you.

I am very proud of you.

Ouchies,over exertion and being a dumbass.

I did an hours Zumba tonight and I think my entire stomach is now sitting on top of my diaphram instead of just the hernia bit............maybe tomorrows session will shake it all back down again.
Laughter,
ouch!

2010 vs 2011

2010, The more things I write about it the more I want to forget about it, apart from the good bits like meeting Glen and surviving another year in the same house as the teenager.

2011, I choose to make it a better year for all of us.

Happy New Year everyone and may 2011 bring to you all you wish for and even some magical things you hadnt thought to wish for.

DIY Christmas

Well Christmas Holidays are over and here I am back at work for a rest. Yes you heard right, a rest.
This is because I had a DIY Christmas that involved some major ripiing out of fireplaces and pulling apart of walls, and painting and re gibbing etc. Thankfully I had the assistance of the wonderful boyfriend as you can see in the pictures below.

The first cut is the deepest..


Then Glen got into his stride ripping off wall..

Of course I helped although someone had to stop to take pictures occasionally.

Then out came that poxy old woodchip heater that nearly burnt my house down in 2009

A completely stripped wall. Down to the Pink Batts (insulation)

Oops How did that get in there, I really did do some work honest....

Even when renovating one must always look their best and be outfitted appropriately for the occasion.

Wall Gibbed and stopped and ready to paint this weekend. :-)

Happy as a Pig in a Mud Puddle

Solitude

I am alone for the first time since December 24. My son is out somewhere in his car and the boyfriend returned home last night as he started work again today after his holiday.
I slept alone for the first time in two weeks last night and while to some that might seem sad, to me it was great to stretch out and starfish in the middle of the bed again. Yes the bed felt empty and I have missed the leisurely breakfast and conversation over the newsaper this morning, and the planning of the day too. Boyfriend and I seemed to slip seamlessly into this routine over the holidays and it was quite wonderful having someone across the table while breakfasting on the deck in the mornings.
Boyfriend is still being super duper lovely and treating me very wonderfully and spent his entire holiday working on the house with me. He finished off the edging around the deck....and it looks great! He helped me with some of the interior painting of which I am still working on and he even ripped out and re lined a wall in the lounge ready for plastering and painting of which I will be doing this week. Seriously though he insisted on doing all this stuff as he doesnt have his own place to pull apart and do up having just moved back to NZ from Australia, and so was very happy to be able to expend energy on this place. I told him repeatedly he was mad but I really did appreciate all the help and enjoyed the company immensely.
We progressed over the Christmas break, he met my friends and attended several social gatherings with me. He met the Aunty and Uncle, my only relatives here in NZ and I met his family and was invited to Christmas Champagne Breakfast at theirs, and I met some of his friends too.
I have had a wonderful 2 weeks feeling very cared for and spoiled and enjoyed the fun and laughter and still think this guy is great and now its back to reality and work and weekend romancing, but still I can live with that because it works for us both so well.

I hope you have all had a wonderful Christmas and New Year and that 2011 brings you all the joy and happiness you wish for.