Thats what I say, let it go, just walk away. Whenever someone tries to wind me up and upset me. I say it to myself but dont always manage to walk away quick enough to be honest, but this time, this time I think I have done it, I closed a door yesterday which has let the sunshine back into my life after so many months of black clouds looming. It felt good to do it, I dont know why I didnt do it sooner to be honest. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. I spoke words and wrote down what I needed to to purge myself of the last vestiges of the insidious thing that dwelled in my person and I let go. I watched it float away like a silk scarf floating down a cliff face. It wasnt a harsh tear or a drop it was a gentle relaxed floating, moving beyond my fingertips with no hope of clawing it back and clinging to the pain a little bit longer wrapping the misery around me like a blanket. It went peacefully leaving me feeling good and light.
I am back. That which suffocated me is gone now. My smile is real and no longer hides constant worry, its real.
This past weekend being the Autumn Equinox was a good time to clear out that which no longer serves a purpose. A celebration to spring clean the heart and soul and welcome balance back into my life.
A saying I read. ' I now know that for every dark night of the soul a new sunrise will be there in the morning' Fitting I feel.
2010 is going to be a great year. Yes it started on a less than wonderful note but already skies have cleared.
This year I have holidays booked both local and overseas, some of them big trips of which I am really looking forward to. I look forward to them all in fact. I love getting away and sharing the holidays with friends is the best fun ever.
What are your plans for the year? What is 2010 shaping up to be like for you?
Monday, March 22, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
weight for me
It's been a long stretch in between blogs so I have much of nothing to write about.
a) That man and I broke up, or rather I came home from work one day and he had packed his things and moved out not telling me is was going to happen. I was gutted and cried for a month, it was only a month ago and I still hurt like hell to be honest.
b) I took up Tennis only to have my tendonitis return and put a stop to it, buggar it all!!
c) I have rejoined Jenny Craig as I had put on all the weight I lost last year.
So now the rant...
That man well the less said the better, apparently I didnt do what he wanted all the time so that made me stubborn and I was after his money as well so he decided he had to move out without talking to me about it but still wants to remain friends and go out together occasionally. Now I dont know whether the go out together occasionally means lets hang or lets do the wild thing now and then when he feels like it and just be friends with benefits. Either way I am disinclined to do either. Why the Fek would I want to remain friends with someone who without so much as a goodbye walked away from what I thought was something fairly good? As for being after his money??? well thats laughable because I have my own and manage rather nicely and never had any intention of looking sideways at his. It was never even considered. I have dated plenty of blokes who earn less than me and it doesnt bother me, so long as they can hold their own and dont want propping up its not an issue. Ahh well time heals apparently...still sucks though and it hurt a lot having this happen but I guess there is nothing I can do about it, it was his choice to do it.
One positive is my house now stays tidy and has lost its cluttered overstuffed look and housework is a breeze.
Now to my weight....last year I lost 8kg and was doing well until I stopped the JC thing and didnt watch what I was doing and *shbang!!* there it all is back again.
SO now I am back at my weekly meeting and trying to get rid of it all again. 2kg gone in my first week but the second week has got off to a very bad start to be honest and now I am going to have to pull some serious "careful what I eat' manouvres to get back on track and have a loss this week. This is going to be hard as I have two days down in Wellington away from home this week which means I dont have my JC food on hand so will have to really be careful about what goes in the gob.
Does anyone else who reads this diet? have you had success? I need the inspiration so please share your story if you will.
And how do you mend a slight tear in the cardiovascular region? I mean its not heartbreak but its definate damage to that area.
a) That man and I broke up, or rather I came home from work one day and he had packed his things and moved out not telling me is was going to happen. I was gutted and cried for a month, it was only a month ago and I still hurt like hell to be honest.
b) I took up Tennis only to have my tendonitis return and put a stop to it, buggar it all!!
c) I have rejoined Jenny Craig as I had put on all the weight I lost last year.
So now the rant...
That man well the less said the better, apparently I didnt do what he wanted all the time so that made me stubborn and I was after his money as well so he decided he had to move out without talking to me about it but still wants to remain friends and go out together occasionally. Now I dont know whether the go out together occasionally means lets hang or lets do the wild thing now and then when he feels like it and just be friends with benefits. Either way I am disinclined to do either. Why the Fek would I want to remain friends with someone who without so much as a goodbye walked away from what I thought was something fairly good? As for being after his money??? well thats laughable because I have my own and manage rather nicely and never had any intention of looking sideways at his. It was never even considered. I have dated plenty of blokes who earn less than me and it doesnt bother me, so long as they can hold their own and dont want propping up its not an issue. Ahh well time heals apparently...still sucks though and it hurt a lot having this happen but I guess there is nothing I can do about it, it was his choice to do it.
One positive is my house now stays tidy and has lost its cluttered overstuffed look and housework is a breeze.
Now to my weight....last year I lost 8kg and was doing well until I stopped the JC thing and didnt watch what I was doing and *shbang!!* there it all is back again.
SO now I am back at my weekly meeting and trying to get rid of it all again. 2kg gone in my first week but the second week has got off to a very bad start to be honest and now I am going to have to pull some serious "careful what I eat' manouvres to get back on track and have a loss this week. This is going to be hard as I have two days down in Wellington away from home this week which means I dont have my JC food on hand so will have to really be careful about what goes in the gob.
Does anyone else who reads this diet? have you had success? I need the inspiration so please share your story if you will.
And how do you mend a slight tear in the cardiovascular region? I mean its not heartbreak but its definate damage to that area.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
It's Halloween
Ok I have cut out, painted and printed! All Manner of Halloween things, I have a hundred spiders and I have witches and cats, I have Bats and Pumpkins and I have two 2 metre tall zombies lurking in my backyard amoung the makeshift tomb stones and graveyard crosses. In between this I have done an assignment, done the mountain mans homework for him and done all the usual things, cooking cleaning, working etc. Now its the friday before halloween, the invites are out the guests getting their cossies ready. I have to leave work today and stop off at the supermarket and pick up all manner of partie goodies, drinks and chips, nuts and lollies, alcohol and beer, of which I might need a few tonight to fortify myself. I then have to race home and make halloween puddings and minced fingers for the buffet supper tomorrow. Lastly but certainly not leastly I have to do my housework, the place is a bloody pigsty. The males who live there are not tidy and it is showing badly. I try to keep tidy and seem to struggle along, I get the place sort of reasonable but within a day or two its trashed again. I hate that, god how I hate it. I am not a particularly tidy person myself and it takes concentrated effort to pick up after myself but my god it rips my undies when I have to blardy well run around picking up after messy males. Right now all I actually want to do is go home and climb into bed for a snooze for an hour or two.
What is it with messy people? Why cant they pick their own shit up? What do they think the fairies follow them around doing it for them already???
What is it with messy people? Why cant they pick their own shit up? What do they think the fairies follow them around doing it for them already???
Monday, October 12, 2009
It's Been Too Long
Ok so its been months since I blogged. Starting back at Tech and having lectures two nights a week and of course the relationship with Mountin Man mentioned in earlier blog, I have been neglecting my blog spot. Not that anyone has actually noticed of course.
Life has been busy and traumatic with housefires and broken down cars and general ho hum of winter driving me nuts but now the sun begins to shine again.
Work is.......well work. I have neglected family and friends alike lately so what better way to catch up with them all than to do the halloween thing.
I love a good party and envisage this one being full on with skeletons and spiders and witches and ghouls hanging around. Officially this will be the start of my summer party season I guess, next will be Christmas and then New Year and I am sure I can find various other reasons to pull out the marquee and make some noise.
That Teenager who lives in my house starts his NCEA's in a months time so he is supposed to be studying but it seems he is studying girls more than school books lately ffs!!
The Mountain Man is working his way through his studies and me? I am begging for extensions on my assignments from my tutor because I have a brain that is refusing to function correctly at the moment along with a body that has gone on strike.
A List, I need to make a list. I love lists. In the weekends I make lists of what housework I need to do because being able to tick things off as I do them seems to keep me focussed.
How do other people who have terrible focus isses get by I wonder.
Anyway happy Toosday.
Life has been busy and traumatic with housefires and broken down cars and general ho hum of winter driving me nuts but now the sun begins to shine again.
Work is.......well work. I have neglected family and friends alike lately so what better way to catch up with them all than to do the halloween thing.
I love a good party and envisage this one being full on with skeletons and spiders and witches and ghouls hanging around. Officially this will be the start of my summer party season I guess, next will be Christmas and then New Year and I am sure I can find various other reasons to pull out the marquee and make some noise.
That Teenager who lives in my house starts his NCEA's in a months time so he is supposed to be studying but it seems he is studying girls more than school books lately ffs!!
The Mountain Man is working his way through his studies and me? I am begging for extensions on my assignments from my tutor because I have a brain that is refusing to function correctly at the moment along with a body that has gone on strike.
A List, I need to make a list. I love lists. In the weekends I make lists of what housework I need to do because being able to tick things off as I do them seems to keep me focussed.
How do other people who have terrible focus isses get by I wonder.
Anyway happy Toosday.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Expanding my Horizons
Oh me, oh my. I am contemplating expanding those horizons. I have discovered several places I can become a member of out my way including another boat club...........will this make me a traitor to my home boat club I wonder? I mean I am still going to be a member at the home ground, I just am going to join the "other one" as well, and then I could continue onto the local RSA (could find myself a rich old codger waiting to pan out maybe) and then there is the Pub up the road that I could also become a local at. Any number of opportunities in this little radius exist. However when I suggested all this to "the girlfriends" they all rolled their eyes and said it wasnt exactly expanding very far and they had further afield in mind when making such wise arsed suggestions. I honestly feel like a fisherman now , I mean how far am I supposed to lay this dragnet fgs??? I know it sounds miserable of me but really, I am quite miserable when it comes to going out. I prefer to hang with friends locally or be at home. I am not reclusive, just too blardy lazy to get the good gears on and head out too far. This is very simply because at the end of the night I have a massive trek out through the boonies to get back home and quite frankly when one has partaken or imbibed of copious amounts of alcohol (In my case that amounts to about 4 glasses. I'm a cheap drunk) navigating the way home can be trecherous
indeedy.
So in any case I have filled out my membership form for the "other" club and am now off to find a current member who will vouch for me and co-sign the form. This may take bribery on my part to convince them I am trustworthy enough to become a member.
All very proper and civilised you see...........
For those in New Zealand, I feel a Tui's add coming on!!
indeedy.
So in any case I have filled out my membership form for the "other" club and am now off to find a current member who will vouch for me and co-sign the form. This may take bribery on my part to convince them I am trustworthy enough to become a member.
All very proper and civilised you see...........
For those in New Zealand, I feel a Tui's add coming on!!
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Yay for Friday
Well yet another week rocks on past and now its blardy Friday....the sun is shining into my office and I am contentedly dozing like a cat in the sun. All this and its only lunchtime.
I have a haphazard weekend lined up that consists of watching rugby and drinking copious amounts at the local Boat Club tonight, carting my adorable teenage son to soccer tomorrow probably with a bitch of a hangover and trying to avoid doing housework. I can never avoid it, something in me just keeps niggling away until I do it......I think it's mum's spirit nagging me.
Unless I can get the girls on a roll for tomorrow night it may be down to " the club" again on Saturday. All in all not terribly exciting or out of the norm.
This in itself is a problem because I have become so complacent about going to "The Club" as its known by the locals that I very rarely venture out into the big wide world or city as the case may be.
All this is not conducive to me meeting the man of my dreams because I live in a small seaside "town" for want of a better description. Now, the big town is only a 20 min drive away but it does not beckon me at all unless my team of very supportive very determined girlfriends can inspire some kind of enthusiam in me to meet them in "town" . Apparently I need to get out of the village and expand my horizons.........everything else about me is expanding in middleage so why not my horizons as well.
As far as meeting the man of my dreams goes.........well I think he lives up in the far north of Alaska or somewhere equally as far from me because at 43 if I havent spied any sign of him yet or located even the slightest hint he may exist I am not entirely sure that he is not just a figment of my over active, over chocolated imagination.
Have a great weekend all.
I have a haphazard weekend lined up that consists of watching rugby and drinking copious amounts at the local Boat Club tonight, carting my adorable teenage son to soccer tomorrow probably with a bitch of a hangover and trying to avoid doing housework. I can never avoid it, something in me just keeps niggling away until I do it......I think it's mum's spirit nagging me.
Unless I can get the girls on a roll for tomorrow night it may be down to " the club" again on Saturday. All in all not terribly exciting or out of the norm.
This in itself is a problem because I have become so complacent about going to "The Club" as its known by the locals that I very rarely venture out into the big wide world or city as the case may be.
All this is not conducive to me meeting the man of my dreams because I live in a small seaside "town" for want of a better description. Now, the big town is only a 20 min drive away but it does not beckon me at all unless my team of very supportive very determined girlfriends can inspire some kind of enthusiam in me to meet them in "town" . Apparently I need to get out of the village and expand my horizons.........everything else about me is expanding in middleage so why not my horizons as well.
As far as meeting the man of my dreams goes.........well I think he lives up in the far north of Alaska or somewhere equally as far from me because at 43 if I havent spied any sign of him yet or located even the slightest hint he may exist I am not entirely sure that he is not just a figment of my over active, over chocolated imagination.
Have a great weekend all.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Another Thursday
Another Thursday rocks around. I kinda like Thursday because they bring on the anticipation of Friday.
It been a busy week and one thats not all been good.
You know how sometimes something will happen that causes you to have totally irrational feelings and battle with inner demons even though you know what you are feeling is dumb. Well I had one of those weeks. I hate feeling negative about things. It's such a waste of energy I think.
After my Mum died 13 years ago my older sister and her husband bought mums place. It was kind of nice cause it kept it in the family and I could still go out there and see mum in all the little things around the place.
Well a year ago my older sister moved to Australia where my little sister lives too and they rented out Mums little farmlet. Now, I know they bought it and it was theirs but I always have and always will think of it as Mum's place.
I found out this week that its up for sale ...........that makes me feel sad.
a) That I found out by accident , I kinda think it would have been nice if they had told me they were going to sell it ( I know, I know, I understand its really none of my business but still, I have an emotional attachment to the place)
b) That its not going to be Mum's place anymore and I wont get the opportunity to go out there and wander around the paddocks and say goodbye to everything and in a way to Mum as well.
I have a strange family, I love my sisters dearly but we dont speak often. They both live overseas. Everyone is too tied up with their own worlds and we cant always agree on things and I seem to not quite conform to their ideas of how I should be. ( I know both my sisters think I am completely strange) which causes any number of long periods of no contact, which incidently I detest.
Mum and Dad both died a long time ago now, seperate incidents. My Dad 24 years ago when I was 19 and my Mum 13 years ago when I was 31. So yeah I guess my parents were the glue that held us all together. Once they were both gone the family drifted apart as there was no common factor anymore.
Anyway all of these things compounded this week to cause me some demons and some totally negative irrational feelings. I need to say goodbye and just " build a bridge and get over it" as a dear friend would say to me.
It been a busy week and one thats not all been good.
You know how sometimes something will happen that causes you to have totally irrational feelings and battle with inner demons even though you know what you are feeling is dumb. Well I had one of those weeks. I hate feeling negative about things. It's such a waste of energy I think.
After my Mum died 13 years ago my older sister and her husband bought mums place. It was kind of nice cause it kept it in the family and I could still go out there and see mum in all the little things around the place.
Well a year ago my older sister moved to Australia where my little sister lives too and they rented out Mums little farmlet. Now, I know they bought it and it was theirs but I always have and always will think of it as Mum's place.
I found out this week that its up for sale ...........that makes me feel sad.
a) That I found out by accident , I kinda think it would have been nice if they had told me they were going to sell it ( I know, I know, I understand its really none of my business but still, I have an emotional attachment to the place)
b) That its not going to be Mum's place anymore and I wont get the opportunity to go out there and wander around the paddocks and say goodbye to everything and in a way to Mum as well.
I have a strange family, I love my sisters dearly but we dont speak often. They both live overseas. Everyone is too tied up with their own worlds and we cant always agree on things and I seem to not quite conform to their ideas of how I should be. ( I know both my sisters think I am completely strange) which causes any number of long periods of no contact, which incidently I detest.
Mum and Dad both died a long time ago now, seperate incidents. My Dad 24 years ago when I was 19 and my Mum 13 years ago when I was 31. So yeah I guess my parents were the glue that held us all together. Once they were both gone the family drifted apart as there was no common factor anymore.
Anyway all of these things compounded this week to cause me some demons and some totally negative irrational feelings. I need to say goodbye and just " build a bridge and get over it" as a dear friend would say to me.
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