Cramming and Slamming

Pah! another assignment due today and typical of me leave the bulk of it till the last moment.

I refused to work on it yesterday, yesterday I turned 45 and I am stuffed if I was going to spend my birthday doing an assignment lol.

Instead I got my eyebrows done, and had lunch with my Aunty and wasted time, it was great.

I am on my second to last paper and can see the light at the end of the study tunnel..Feb next year it will all be over rover and I will have some semblence of a life back that will involve lots of going out and enjoying myself and not getting any sleep due to said hectic social life instead of not getting any sleep cause I am fretting over exams, assignments and studying.

I have become incredibly adept at banging out a 2000 word essay or report with minimal prep. This actually scares me because if I settled into something and actually applied myself to capacity I could be a rocket scientist or something equally astounding maybe.

Instead I was gifted with the attention span of a knat so my focus shifts incredibly easily and swiftly. If I am bored there is no keeping me interested at all and by the time you have found something that might be interesting I have moved on and am 50 miles aways figurativly speaking. This is why my school reports always said "Joanne needs to learn to apply herself and stop distracting others".

I have done many things in my 45 years to date,

I have my open water advanced diving ticket. I no longer dive

I have my Boat Masters Ticket, own a boat so I guess thats still relevant.

I have raced an outlaw dirt track car, dont anymore

I have raced motorbikes (beachracing) dont anymoe

Competitively rode horses, dont any more

Hold NZ textile certificates...dont work in textiles

Hold a diploma in fashion design. Dont work in the fashion industry

Have done numerous accounting papers, will never be an accountant.

Several Psychology papers, still messed up and could not be anyones therapist lol.

Belly dancer......yeah dont do that anymore either.

Ceroc Dancing...not anymore

and a plethora of other dance and hobbie and study things throughout the years, but nothing has held my interest for long enough to be a continual thing.

It's like once I am able to do something it loses its appeal to me.

Focus to me is a vehicle Ford released a few years ago.

Oh yeah the picture is my wonderful Dad, my older sister and me about 42 years ago :-)

Jennifer Kathleen Whittingham (Jennie)

"We sit here and remember about all the days gone by.

About the growing love we shared, the sparkle in your eyes.

The way you held us close to you with hugs so full of love,

But then your life ended, taken by the one above.

Now we feel an ache in our hearts,

An ache no one can save

And the teardrops that fall from our eyes,

Wet the flowers that lie on your grave."

14 Years ago today. Age 54

I love you Mum and miss you every single day.

Happy Birthday Bennyboy

17 years old today and you are the single most wonderful thing in the world to me. I remember the night you were born and how we both had moments that scared the bejesus out of the surgeons. Still we made it both of us, and that my son is something I am thankful for every day of my life.

Happy Birthday my boy.

Bikes, Pods and HCM Guy

Combination update on the menu today.
Day 4 at the gym today and I felt like a cop out so I added another 5 mins to my treadmill and my bike and did 50 stomach crunches and 2 sets of 12 leg raises, you know that killer where you lie on your back on the floor and raise your legs and lower them so they are just about touching the floor but arent and then raise them again. By the time I had done 2 sets of those my secret agent under cover abs were screaming at me. I felt good and tired after the workout though which makes me feel like I have actually done something constructive. I hate walking out of the gym all springy and bouncy like I havent worked hard enough.

Second item on the agenda is my podmate has been relocated. Here at work we are in an open plan office with pods of 4 staff in some cases more, well because I sit outside the CEO's door guarding him I dont actually have a pod as such but in the pod next to me were the Business Services team including the lovely Bernadette who is the one person here who shares my sense of humour most of the time though sometimes I still manage to shock her lol. Well they have reloacted to the other side of the building so now she is no longer in hollering distance or handy to call in on the way to getting a cuppa. That sux because if I wander over the other side to chat I kinda feel like I am loitering with intent, which of course I am but I dare not loiter too long in case people stare.

Third item is date number 5 with HCM guy (Hot Chocolate Movie Guy). He cooked me dinner and we watched the rugby game on TV. Dinner was lovely, spag bol every mans easy dish but still very nice and a couple of bottles of good red wine. Some very interesting conversation about internet dating and how its not him as he finds it all quite false and this is why he has pulled his profile off the site. He said although he had met several ladies they all turned out quite different from the profiles they had online. On hearing this I looked him straight in the eye and said
"And me?" Because of course I am not afraid to ask these things.
To which I got told I was in another league althogether and I was everything I represented myself to be and more, in a good way. Which was nice to hear.
Like me he doesnt understand why people make themselves out to be something they are not and to what end they hope lying makes themselves more attractive. They will always be found out, always. Anyway all in all it was a lovely night.
So 5 dates and some very open and honest conversations and a lot of laughter. I am liking this guy. He is cute and funny and makes me laugh and is a good kisser. But like making cheese, good things take time so I am in no rush.

I have a job

What more can I say?
Tears of utter relief anyone?
I have them by the bucket full.

Back to the Future....

Many many lifetimes ago, well not that many only about 6 years ago to be precise, I used to go to the Gym. Regularly. Like every day for about 2 hours 6 days a week. I stopped and the spillage happened, I spillaged about 30 odd kilos into my short 5ft 3 inch frame and now I suffer from the effects of obesity. My boobs became massive and to compensate so I didnt fall forward while walking around, my caboose increased in size to counter balance the outfrontage. My body became a secret agent, it was undercover, lots of cover. So the moral of this story isnt this but if a guy tells you you dont need the gym and you are gorgeous and then preceeds to inflict such misery on your life you eat and drink and damn near loose your sanity to cope with it....dont believe the lying SOB cause he loves the fact only that you are dumb enough to be with him.

I am a fatty! I am short and fat and this needs to not be so. I am 45 next week and I dont want to die at 46 like my dad did. (He wasnt fat but he had a heart problem) but none-the-less I am a walking or rather waddling timebomb.

So I am making a public statement here in the hope that going public is going to somehow flick the switch in my brain, the stickability switch. You see I often have all good intentions but get bored so very easily and I wander off to something new. Now last time I was gymming I was intense, I loved it, it was great , the routine of coming home from work dropping everything grabbing a text book-studying- and heading to the gym to workout (read the text book while on the bike etc) I got into the groove of it, it didnt take long and I had dropped a lot of weight and didnt look too bad, I will always have curves but these were dangerous curves not damn mountains.

I have a gym in the basement at work and a personal trainer on reception some days, so I have no excuse, no gym fees and Maree to make sure I am doing what I should be. Yesterday the lovely Maree took me through my programme for the first time, today I have come to work with my gym bag packed and ready to go. I am going to record progress on here along with my dating debarcles lol.

Day one: 44 yrs old, 99kg and totally hating what I let myself become.

Tomorrow I will have done my first real workout in a few years to which I will have made myself feel marginally better for having done it. The trick from then on is to not get down on the long road ahead and to keep going and get into the routine and keep it moving. I have a bloody long way to go but if you look at what I was and what I am, what I was, is where I want to be again. That's about 30kg ago.

And so begins the journey to health and happiness in who I am.

To be or not to be.........employed

Ok things are pretty damn screwed up at the moment. We are currently undergoing job reviews at work and the review was supposed to be finished by July 23 then was pushed back to July 30 and then again.......I kid you not....to August 5 it means this entire last two months I have been keeping a smile on the dial and trying to stay upbeat and get on with life when the entire time I have this gigantic rat knawing at my gut and tying my innards into knots that means I am not sleeping and eating far too much crap being an emotional eater that I am.
The fact that I could possibly not have a job in a months time and I have a whopping mortgage to pay and a teenager to raise causes me huge amounts of heartburn lately.
I am angry at this whole proccess, it is bad enough to be going through it but to have these dates pushed out not once, but twice, to me is totally unaceptable and unprofessional. These are people they are playing with. 10 of us to be exact, who have families and mortgages and babies etc and they keep us dangling like sausages in a butchers window. We are by no means a large company and the administration staff number 10 including myself as exec to CEO and the Office Manager so this is having a very noticable effect on the Admin staff, moral is so low and all of us are anxiously chewing our bottom lip. I guess the wait is almost over and the pain in my gut is unbearable right now and not just for me but for all of my collegues going through this horrible thing. I hate waiting for results etc especially ones that are potentially badly life changing. My head hurts constantly and worry and anxiety cloud my thinking and my ability to be sociable with others, the rat in my gut knaws and knaws every hour of every day while I try to find something to distract me even for a little while but it sits in the back of my mind like an insidious little maggot.