" I havent done anything for you for Valentines day, I dont do Valentines day and all that palava. Alan at work has carved this lovely wooden rose for Fiona his girlfriend, he's made a really nice job of it and last year he took her to the beach first thing in the am with a picnic breakfast to watch the sun rise. Alan is good at thinking of things like that but I am not really bothered"
It kinda bit me a little because at Christmas he informed me he wasnt into Christmas and never bothered with buying Christmas presents for anyone. In Sept on our anniversary I suggested we go somewhere for dinner and got, "I dont really do anniversaries" Around my birthday in August he kept trying to buy me something if we were out saying "I dont do birthdays but if you want I will buy that for you and it can be an early birthday present or something"
Now, I am sorry if I sound mean and shallow but I would like to get something on my birthday thats a surprise, that has been chosen for me. I have gone 14 years without a birthday present or a christmas present unless I bought something for myself. At Christmas when I got the "I dont really do Christmas" speal I just said "Well it's not just all about you is it."
Last year DG came out and we went and had Pizza on the beach but it was because he had been told he had to do something for me by his sister apparently.
I am dissapointed, I like surprises of the good kind, not expensive but effort made with some thought, even effort made with minimal thought would be something. So now I am wondering do I say anything or do I just shut up and not be so much of a moo.
I know its all commercial gobble but it makes you feel special if some small token effort is made doesnt it. I know its not the be all end all, but honestly I am wondering what special occasion he actually does mark if any at all. It's dissapointing to think birthdays, anniversaries, christmases, special occasions, etc will be non events from now on.
Oh add Easter to that list too. :-S
PS yes I did get a lovely big bunch of flowers on my birthday which made my day and was a huge surprise, but then got told his sister had threatened him with physical pain if he didnt at least get me flowers for my birthday so again it wasnt his idea he had to be forced into the gesture.
I have some definite thoughts on this, having recently had a conversation with details very similar to yours.
ReplyDeleteA friend of mine is married to a man like DG. He doesn't "do" birthdays, Christmas, etc. She gets upset, because she'd like presents, some thought put in, etc. But he has never done it for his family (they also get upset). He has no ideas when it comes to presents. If she tells him what to get her, he will...sometimes.
So what I said recently was that it's clear that he really loves her - he does lots of kind things for her (just as I know DG does for you) but not gifts for occasions. It's about him - not about how much he loves her. It's frustrating, yes, but it's just part of who he is.
It might be constructive to say that it hurts your feelings, because you take it as a sign that he doesn't care about you (or because you need to feel special on that particular day, or whatever exactly it is you feel about this). I know you want to be surprised, you want to feel like he's putting thought in. But if this is not his strength, you might just need to tell him that you want flowers for your birthday. Or something sweet on Valentine's day. Some kind of date on your anniversary. Make it clear you're not looking for expensive or grand gestures - you just want to feel like those days are special.
My two cents. You can tell me to shut up if you'd like.
No way am I going to tell you to shut up LG because thats it exactly, its not about spending large or grand gestures it's just about some small gesture to recognise the date, even a text would have been nice today. I know he cares about me and I do really appreciate all the lovely things he does for me. It's just hard when I am a bit of a romantic and he is the complete opposite. :S
DeleteI agree wholeheartedly with Lisa's comment. The key here is to strike a balance between the appreciation for the thoughtful things that DG does on a regular basis and standing up for yourself because it isn't too much to ask for a tiny bit of romance on special days. And there is always the strategy of going into cahoots with his sister to ensure she has your back and makes him do the decent thing. ;-)
ReplyDeleteHappy Valentine's Day to you - although I know it's almost over for you now... May you enjoy the sweetness of life at least a little everyday.
Nice Post Black Magic Specialist
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