Time Warp.

So 4 years huh? 4 years since I wrote a piece for my blog. It seems way too long but then life gets so busy I guess.

I had to go back and see where I was 4 yrs ago.......so much living in such a small amount of time.

My Benniboy is nearly 23 now and in the last year of his electrical apprenticeship....after doing 2 years at University on an Applied Science Degree and deciding he hated it and dropping out that is.....(not a happy muma) I am thankful that he has settled down and found his niche for now....I say for now because he is like his Mum, a bit of a restless spirit.

Me? well I have been having adventures in life and doing what I do best.....living. Waking up breathing everyday and just being thankful for that on some days really.

I am 50 now, and some days it seems like time has disappeared on me and I wonder where it went, and I think 'no I still have so much more to do, can I please have some back'.  I have moved out of my beautiful little house by the sea. I finished renovating it and have rented it out to some friends with a young family. I was on my own and didnt need it as much as they needed a home. I handed them the keys after packing up my most personal stuff and left them with a fully furnished home including crockery cuttlery bedding towels,  everything but my beloved books, family photos and my personal bedroom furniture pretty much.  I moved into a house as a boarder..a strange thing to do at my age but the people are friends of mine so not so bad. I went from my own three bedroom house that I lived in by myself to condensing my world into a bedroom. Everything is packed up, boxed up and sitting in the garage back out at the house. It was a lesson in what I don't need and how to survive without my worldly possessions.  When the only space you have is a bedroom of smallish proportions you learn to prioritise what means most to you.

I didnt give up my house lightly, I loved it, I loved that the renos were done and it looked how I wanted it to but I was in a not so good place after things went wrong with 'that guy I dated for 3 1/2 yrs'  he turned out to be something else.......something that after entering my house 6 months after the relationship ended and doing despicable things required a tresspass order to be told what he had done was not ok and not acceptable. I have never had to take those steps before and never had an intruder before. My home was my sanctuary, it was where I shut out the world and was at peace. My two little dogs and I were happy there until then..I no longer felt safe and my home was tainted. I doubt I will ever live in that house again now, so much has changed in the last 14 months since I left there. I still love the house and do miss it but life is moving in a different direction now......a more southerly direction

Footnote for the curious* That Guy!! it was discovered he had a profile on a couple of internet sites that said he was in an open relationship and looking for entertainment, this and a couple of other very disturbing developments in his thought processes of what was acceptable in a relationship caused the breakdown of the relationship*

Anyhoo here I am still kicking along and living a good life.

Go-Betty

BFF

Can you imagine your life without your best friend? I cant. I had a thing a couple of weeks back where, while waiting for some biopsy results, it could have been a posibility, it didnt bare thinking about. Every time the thought crossed my mind it was shoved aside as feeling so totally wrong that I felt that the results would be good. Thank all the gods they were all negative results, negative in the best way possible that is.
Our Best friends
the ones who laugh with us and cry with us, the ones who hold us while we fall apart and shelter us when we are so vulnerable.
The ones we share secrets with, who dont judge us for what we say and who we are or what we do.
BF's, the ones who understand and if they dont they just accept anyway.
Best Friends, the ones we go to in the middle of the night because they called us.
the ones we can disagree with without it becoming an arguement.
The ones we can party hard with and share the agony of the next day hangover.
The ones we eat popcorn and icecream with and sing out loud at concerts with, still.
Best friends, just about the closest thing to unconditional love you will ever get from another human being.

I love my best friend, she has enriched my life for over 33 years and we plan on carrying this on for many years more.

To my bestest,

Loved you then.
Love you still.
Always have.
Always will.

Romancing the Stone- because maybe I am a whingy bitch!

I dont think I am a selfish person, maybe I am, maybe I am a bit self centred who knows? Tomorrow is Valentines day and I rushed home from work to bake DG a big batch of shortbread which he loves, cutting it all out into heart shapes, not an expensive gift but one I thought was given some thought. Shortbread in the oven baking and I am making a lasangne ready to put in the oven when the shortbread comes out when the phone rings and it's DG. Pleasantries exchanged, he launches in to saying, ahhh 2 things, 1 if Cory (his son) wants to attend this party next saturday night with Ben, I will take them both and pick them up the next morning"....thats fine I am more than happy with that but then number 2 strikes.

" I havent done anything for you for Valentines day, I dont do Valentines day and all that palava. Alan at work has carved this lovely wooden rose for Fiona his girlfriend, he's made a really nice job of it and last year he took her to the beach first thing in the am with a picnic breakfast to watch the sun rise. Alan is good at thinking of things like that but I am not really bothered"

It kinda bit me a little because at Christmas he informed me he wasnt into Christmas and never bothered with buying Christmas presents for anyone. In Sept on our anniversary I suggested we go somewhere for dinner and got, "I dont really do anniversaries" Around my birthday in August he kept trying to buy me something if we were out saying "I dont do birthdays but if you want I will buy that for you and it can be an early birthday present or something"

Now, I am sorry if I sound mean and shallow but I would like to get something on my birthday thats a surprise, that has been chosen for me. I have gone 14 years without a birthday present or a christmas present unless I bought something for myself. At Christmas when I got the "I dont really do Christmas" speal I just said "Well it's not just all about you is it."

Last year DG came out and we went and had Pizza on the beach but it was because he had been told he had to do something for me by his sister apparently.

I am dissapointed, I like surprises of the good kind, not expensive but effort made with some thought, even effort made with minimal thought would be something. So now I am wondering do I say anything or do I just shut up and not be so much of a moo.

I know its all commercial gobble but it makes you feel special if some small token effort is made doesnt it. I know its not the be all end all, but honestly I am wondering what special occasion he actually does mark if any at all. It's dissapointing to think birthdays, anniversaries, christmases, special occasions, etc will be non events from now on.

Oh add Easter to that list too. :-S

PS yes I did get a lovely big bunch of flowers on my birthday which made my day and was a huge surprise, but then got told his sister had threatened him with physical pain if he didnt at least get me flowers for my birthday so again it wasnt his idea he had to be forced into the gesture.

A long time ago when the earth was green.

Belated Happy New Year to anyone who is reading this.
When I find myself in a better head space I will blog more but right now positivity eludes me so I will not write negatively.

Its a flower on one of my Cactii

From A to Z or the chronicles of his school years.

Momentus occasion, another milestone, another scare at the passing of time

My one and only, pride and joy, utter frustration had his last ever day at school yesterday......huge. His school years are over and now it is off to University next year. While he still has his final exams to sit school is officially over for the seniors

I remember his first day at school, I shed a tear, he didnt. By the end of the first week I wasnt even allowed to get out of the car when I dropped him off let alone escort him to class. Mr Independent from day 1

His first year teacher dispaired of him, telling me she couldnt understand how he thought, there were things like when they had to line up to walk into class he would be in line but two paces to the left of the line instead of directly behind the person in front. As far as he was concerned he was in line standing straight and smart. He used to finish his work before the others so he would do their work for them so they would all get finished and the teacher could move on to the next thing, in his mind there was nothing wrong with helping others so they could all move forward.

He topped the school in his primary years, All Excellence Award his prize, dux of the primary school. He loved school and worked hard but always maintained a slightly left field sense of humour that was not always understood. I remember he had to do a newspaper article one year so him and his mate took a photo of Ben and photoshopped Bin Ladens beard and turban onto Ben's image and did a piece about Ben Laden bribing politicians. In my mind it showed these 10 year olds were aware of world happenings and the article had humour in it, to some it was totally inappropriate.

I remember at 12 he had long hair and his teacher told him that the school rules said if the hair was below the collar it had to be tied up, thinking Ben would get a haircut. Ben came home and asked me for some hair ties and put his hair in a ponytail for school each day.

In his last year of intermediate school we moved to Beachlands and to a new school a third of the way through the year. The seniors did a big end of year production and Ben was determined to get a part in it. For the audition they had to sing or recite something. Ben wrote all the words to Cat Stevens-Father and Son and sang it over and over to the CD until he had it right for the audition. Everyone else sang the national anthem or a nursery song. He got the lead role and had 3 solos and 2 duets to sing. I have the CD of that show and I have to say I sat in the audience that night holding back the tears as my heart burst with pride. Not so much when the picture arrived in the letter box from a teacher of Ben during a school field trip where they had to take a packed lunch. My son took a can of fruit salad and a can opener for lunch. (at least he thought long enough to take a can opener was my first thought, that and it was fruit in natural juice not in syrup)

High School started, my words of advice were "Ben, it is time to be noticed for your achievements not your clowning around now. Keep your head down and work hard, dont mark yourself as the class clown"

2 months in there was the school sports day and he arrived home to tell me he had spent the day in fairy wings and a tiara, but had redeemed himself by winning the 100 metre sprint but only because he was wearing his lucky fairy wings and tiara at the time. This time the photo arrived from his teacher via email.

And so on through his high school years, wearing a dress for Shakespear day, singing Dora the Explorer to his math teacher Ms Dormer. Getting a 2 week bus ban for punching a kid in the face because this kid was hassling someone on the bus and when Ben stuck up and said leave him alone the other kid spat in Ben's face, Ben lashed out. I didnt condone it but I understood it. His teachers stood by him saying it was not in his nature to be violent and he was provoked. Telling a young single graduate teacher that 'he' was her happy place when she was stressed and saying she was going to her happy place during class one day. Making the first XI football team and vice captain, then being made captain the following year. This his final year, always in trouble for not shaving being threatened with being stood down if he didnt shave, not turning up to school until lunchtime once he got his car (Sorry Miss I was busy sleeping). The fights and arguments trying to get him to study and watching his grades fall way below where they should be for one so bright. He has been ready to leave school for a while now, it has been a struggle to keep him there this last year. If he had applied himself he would get good marks, all I can hope for now is that he passes with enough marks to get into one of the Universities that is holding a place for him.

His last day was full of antics and high jinks but none of it harmful or destructive to property or person. He got kicked out of school four times on his last day the final one he was accused of was one he hadnt been involved in (water bombs) but by then I think the teachers were asking all the seniors to just go home.

The best story so far I think is watching the teachers bend down to try and pick up the 20 cent coin he glued to the pavement right outside the main office doors.

Ben your school years are ones you will look back on and remember as some of the best. I hope you never loose your sense of humour and your ability to make others laugh. Dont be a sheep son always dance to the beat of your own drum.

It's been a while, lets sit and talk some time away.

It's been some time since I last wrote and it is not because nothing has been going on, in reality many things have happened in the last few months and at times I have started to write but then I have decided not to hit the publish button. Sometimes I worry that I sound like a big old disaster area as all these things have happened to me over the past year and they seem at times so negative. I think of myself as a positive person but when someone commented about hiding the sharp knives from me the other week after having such a bad run of things lately it made me wonder how others perceive me. I write to get things out of my head sometimes and I value the comments that come back to me as they always cheer or give me a different viewpoint to consider. So I will write and while what you may read might make you think oh ffs this person is like a walking doom cloud, remember I dont write it that way, I am not down, I just share the reality of what happens. It's not all bad stuff I have a lot of really great stuff too. So here goes, but remember dont cry for me Argentina.

My one listed follower on this blog is my Aunty Sue, after a family issue when my dad died 26 years ago I never saw dads brother and his wife (sue) for 20 years although my sisters did. It transpired a few years ago that my younger sister , bless her heart, built a bridge and I was reunited with my all time fav uncle of my childhood and his wife. Sue and I became fast friends and emailed several times a day, I went on dates and she waited eagerly for updates and we giggled like schoolgirls over it even though she was 15 years my senior. Sue and Jim have been a huge part of my life in the last 4 years I saw them several times a week, went there for xmas and birthdays and dinners all the time. In June this year, My darling Aunty Sue was diagnosed with lung cancer, she had not smoked for over 25 years but there it was, it only took 3 months to consume her and she died in September. I miss her so very dearly but I am extremely happy I got the 4 years with her before this happened. It was thanks to Suzy in part that I went on the second and third date with Dynamo Guy, she told me even though he wasnt what I normally was attracted too to persist because he sounded like a nice guy. Thank you Sue, I am so glad I listened.

Ben my darling son, you frustrate the hell out of me, since your 18 birthday you have become a pain in the arse even if I love you beyond measure. 18 means you can be tried as an adult if you find yourself in court and that you can buy alcohol and go to bars, it does not mean you can stop using manners and treating others with courtesy and respect, that is a lifelong thing ok? Dont waste your life, make it count, it's ok to live in the here and now but always have the future in mind and pay heed to where you want that future to take you and what you need to do to make it happen. Your life is yours, dont burn bridges, treat people with respect, be aware of your shortcomings and work to make them not so short. Dreams dont just happen, work to make them happen for you.

And to the now...... I was made redundant again, well almost I resigned before it happened because I have found a new job. Earlier this year it gutted me to be made redundant but I was lucky enough to land on my feet with not only 3 months salary payout but a job to walk into a week later. It was a casual contract, but with the hope something permanent would come along, there were plans....they never worked out. The training institute I have been working at has undergone a major restructure and my job was in jeopardy, so I started looking. I wanted something close to home again, for me this means 30 min drive because I am a fringe dweller, outer fringes. I decided to step back from the corporate world and go low key again, drop in salary but more than my casual contract gave me. I have now a job as an office manager for an engineering firm 30 mins from home. Its a smaller company owned and operated by two directors from big engineering backgrounds who decided to get together and have their own business. Its building up steadily, the books show either level or increase in business during the last 5 years, a good sign in a recession. It seems low key and varied and busy, my kind of space. I start on November 7 which is really good because I have damaged my lower back and the Dr has put me off work for 2 weeks with instructions to either lay flat, or stand with some walking. I am not to sit or drive or lift or carry or bend or stretch or do anything much for two weeks.....bored already on day 3. Of course this means no money coming in for at least 2 weeks but I have my stash from my payout which will keep me covered for now. My new job I get paid monthly which kinda sucks cause I am used to fortnightly but I can adjust. If nothing else I am an adjustable doll. Just like Barbie with bendable arms and legs only without the hourglass figure and disproportionate legs.

And lastly on September 1 a year ago I met Dynamo Guy for a coffee for the first time. So it has now been over a year and he is still around, some kinda record for me. He has been my rock and my anchor and the oil on stormy waters. He is one of the best. I hope he sticks around cause I like the way things are and the fun we have together. Its not been easy the last few months and he has had to do a bit of propping up emotionally but he has done it superbly and now its onwards and upwards into a bright new day.

So ends my mini novel of doom and gloom.

Now I am going to rise slowly from my supine position and go in search of cheese and crackers. :)

Help! Significant Teenage Birthday Looming.........

I have a small issue.

Next week is my son's 18th birthday (omg 18??? where the hell did that go?)

Yes it shocks me when I look at him and think he is turning 18 next week. Sometimes I long to go back to his younger preteen days when he was this happy, chatty, chirpy, full of life, no stopping me kid. I am not really coping so well with the teenage angsting and sulleness and sulks and hatey parent attitude but aside from all that my problem is this...

What the hell do I get him for his birthday???

I have no idea! He never asks for anything and if I ask him what he would like he says he doesnt know and there is nothing he really needs or wants. Even when he was little he never used to say I want this or I want that for my birthday so he hasnt been easy to buy for at times. Over his teen years things like an MP3 player, media player, or low end cell phone have done the trick but for his 18th I feel it's gotta be something a bit special.

So please if anyone has any ideas or ask your partners/husbands or older sons what they think would be a good present for him.

No not a car please he has one already so does not need another and mothers budget wouldnt stretch to it anyway.